I’m dragging my way around the housework today, with both the muggy heat and my tinnitus – the continual buzzing in my ear – getting me down.
Then I turn my attention to Sunday dinner – a salmon kedgeree – a dish I’ve made dozens of times. So, why should it have got to me this time?
It’s as if the whole thing, the whole afternoon really, goes pear-shaped on me.
I just lose control, lose patience, and I’m swept with overpowering waves of tedium and weariness.
And of course, things start to go wrong on me; the onion I’m dicing keeps slipping away from my grip, the boiled eggs I’m to chop somehow refuse to allow the shells to come off – at least not without large lumps of egg coming off with them.
And I can’t get the tin of salmon open, the damn thing flies off the tin opener and I gash my finger so that I have to run for a plaster.
Of course, My Good Lady tries to calm me down, tries to be reasonable – but that’s like a red rag to a bull to me by now.
I just completely lose it! I verbally lash out at her and the whole black and bloody business of the day.
After that and for the rest of the evening I’m sunk in a wordless gloom, barely able to say a civil word.
I think, at times, I’m really losing my mind.
Feeling calmer now, but even now I feel I’m not far from the brink, that I could lose it again without warning.
It isn’t the first time this emotional imbalance has affected me – the last time was when we were on holiday, in Nice – and I’m honestly frightened of when it might happen next.
Do you think I ought to go and see a doctor? I am wondering.
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