Whacking the coconut

IT'S ONE OF those convoluted recipes which entails making the stuffing for some fish - sea bass - as well as a salsa using a fresh coconut.

Have you ever used a fresh coconut?

We ask the chefs at the Pub about how to open one of these strange fruits. "Easy," they say, "just put a cloth in your hand, rest the coconut in it, and then just hit it with a sharp knife."

Sounds pretty idiot proof, doesn't it, put like that?

I do as they suggest. I put some kitchen towels in my hand, rest the fruit on it, and I whack it with our heaviest knife.

I peer at the hairy nut with eagerness.

Nothing.

Try again. Whack!

And again. Whack!

Whack!... Whack!... Whack!...

(I reflect, at this point, that I once had to use a screwdriver to open an oyster - but that's another story...)

Whack!... Whack!...

Then I feel something oozing over my hand - yes, it's the coconut milk pouring out. Luckily we have no need of it for this recipe - only the flesh of the beast.

Another whack or two, and success! - the nut lies there, in my hand, split fairly cleanly in half.

The only trouble is, the recipe calls for the flesh of the coconut to be cut into thin shavings using a potato peeler. (I told you it was convoluted!)

So somehow we have to remove the flesh from the inside of the shell.

My Good Lady and I (for by now it's become a joint effort) first try to gouge it out with a sharp knife - but that way it only comes out in small lumps, quite unsuitable for shaving.

No, clearly the only way to do it is to whack it some more.

And by this time, I'm in no mood to mess around.

I take it outside onto a low wall we have near the kitchen, then I go and rummage around in the garden shed to find my rusty old hatchet.

And like the walls of Jericho, the shell falls apart with one last mighty whack!

We get our shavings for the salsa, mix it with some chilli and lime juice - and somewhat nervously, taste it.

And I just spit mine out! It's horrible, truly horrible! I'm usually very fond of spicy Caribbean food, but this is just plain disgusting!

We've only used half the coconut, too. I certainly don't want the rest. Maybe I could sell it?

If you see an advert for a "Well-whacked exotic fruit" on ebay you'll know what it is!