What's the Italian for "nervous"?

BETWEEN THEE, ME and this laptop, I have to confess to being a bit nervous.

I’m talking about our coming holiday in Italy – we’re off in a few days time, and I feel far from prepared for the trip.

First, there’s the language problem. Try as I might, I can’t get my head around Italian – for some reason it just won’t stay in. Each time I speak it comes out as French!

“Buongiorno” – hello - comes out as “bonjour”; thank you, “grazie” is confusingly transformed into “merci”; and as for Italian verb forms – Gordon Bennett!... Someone once told me that if you can speak French you should be okay in Italian. Not true. The two are horses of quite a different stripe.

Then there’s the problem of the region where we’re going.

Naples is the fourth largest city in Europe; it’s also one of the most violent and the dirtiest. Pickpockets and snatch thieves abound – you’re strongly advised not to carry valuables with you, and definitely to steer clear of the street gangs that hang around in certain public places such as the train and bus stations.

Tourists, it seems, are a favourite target for them – although, strangely, the guide books don’t seem to mention them.

A number of our friends who have visited the city have all commented on how unsettling an experience it is.

Then, of course, there’s the problem with Italian drivers. They’re all mad! They like to drive fast, fast, fast, and God help you if you don’t get out of their way!

They’ll sit on your exhaust-pipe and blow their horns, making impolite gestures with their hands all the while.

All in all, then, I’m beginning the think we might have been better going to Cleethorpes!